Priorities

Being the wife of a coach is hard enough (sometimes I think they should add me to the payroll!). Top that with job #1: MOM, plus whatever you do outside of the home to earn money, and some nights you might feel like I do; like you work THREE full-time jobs at about 160 total working hours a week. My kids are 3 and 5 and we have another on the way in December. Sometimes I can’t help but think that they might feel a little neglected during Season with my busy life working full-time and Coach busy working full time along with practice, games and film.  We try to time most big things for off season, but some things (for example pregnancies and, later, birthdays) do not seem to care when the Season starts or ends. I have known couples who try to time their pregnancies for off season, but more often than not babies come whenever they dang well please, as our first born did.

She was due on Halloween, in the thick of Football season and, as if to prove a point, she came six weeks early, on a Tuesday in September. Games were on Saturday afternoons, with film work taking up almost the whole day on Sunday. As he gazed at his newborn daughter, my husband’s comment (always the coach) was, “At least she has good timing! Now I can still make it to the game on Saturday!” I wanted to strangle him right then and there. Here he had a brand new daughter, and one who would require tons of extra care on top of it, yet his first thought was about the Team and the upcoming game?

Proud Dad in front of the Hospital with Daughter "A"

That may have been the first time in our marriage that I felt that Football was his #1 priority. We’ve had endless debates (that’s what I’ll call them here!) about that very thing many times since then. He argues that he does it for our family, but it’s hard for me to see that through my clouded view, which consists of piling-up chores that are left undone or are postponed indefinitely during the Season). At times I’ve wondered how we’ve managed to stay married through eight football seasons. I think it’s because I’ve seen other couples where ½ consists of a coach who’ve been married 5x that long, and have managed to make it through all the bumps. Luckily for him and our marriage, our second daughter was born at full term in April… about as far away from football season as possible!

Coach and Daughter "L" - Halloween 2009

I know that each time Coach has to miss a birthday (there’ve been a couple) or other important event (he missed trick-or-treating a few years ago due to a playoff game), he’s just taking one for the team (pun, intended… I guess). Although it’s frustrating for me, trying to explain to our kids why Daddy’s not trick-or-treating with us this year, I can only imagine how hard it is for him to miss all those little moments. At times like this, I ask myself constantly: Why does he coach in the first place? Of course it’s because he loves working with the athletes and he loves the sport. But I try to remind myself of the real #1 reason that he coaches: to provide for us, his family. Every time he misses a dance recital or one of the many “firsts” our kids go through, he’s sacrificing for his family. If I can keep that in my mind, I know that every time he misses a birthday or other event (or we have to schedule it around the games!), he is doing it for us. That keeps me going with my three full-time jobs and makes me appreciate everything he does even more.

P.S. That being said… he hasn't missed any of his kids being born yet. Let’s just hope we’re 3 for 3!!

Perspectives

"A" and "L" before the Game

This past weekend, Coach and I got the rare opportunity to watch a football game together. I can't even remember the last time we watched a live-action football game together, but I think it was two years ago when we watched the Lions face off against Denver. This weekend, we took the girls up to our Alma Mater, where he played football and we both went to school, to watch the Homecoming football game. I was excited, because I was looking forward to having someone there to explain all of the stuff I never understand about what's going on down on the turf. And.... he was about to get a taste of what I do at his games, which is chase the girls up and down the bleachers, seeking them out each time they disappear in the hoard of people while my heart jumps into my throat. I was actually going to be able to watch the entire game (for once) while he chased the kids around.

In hindsight, I think he had a totally different idea in mind for what the day would be like. I think he was under the impression that he'd sit there, deep in thought as he dissected each play, reminiscing about his glory days down on that same field, as a player and a coach. He'd munch his popcorn and sip on Gatorade as the girls and his wife sat quietly next to him. I also realize, looking back, that we should have had a game plan of our own.

Playing "Tackle the Dad"

I thought the girls were pretty good at the game. They stayed pretty much where we were sitting, and instead of 20 trips to the bathroom/concessions, they averaged out at around 10. How unfair is that? And did I get to watch the game? Well... I tried. At times during the game, Coach was so busy watching what was going on that he didn't notice our 3-year-old pummeling the gentleman (who had the unfortunate luck of sitting in front of us) with her feet for the 23rd time or our 5-year old proclaiming loud enough for everyone within a 30-foot radius of us to hear, "I have to go to the bathroom... NOW!" (That comment was edited, by the way). He was also blissfully oblivious to the annoyed party to our right who had to keep getting up and moving so me and one or both kids could make our 9th trip up top, where the food and bathrooms were. I still chased kids and tried to dislodge my heart from my throat.

Hamming it up at the Game

To be fair, he did share kid-duty with me but he was getting so impatient with the girls that it sort of annoyed me. His comment somewhere around the end of the 2nd Quarter was, "I don't know how you do this!!! These girls are being so difficult!" And here I thought it was a good day. "Now you know what I'm doing at your games." I said back with a sweet smile, seething a little on the inside.  The girls and I really enjoy going each week to watch Coach and his team in action, but what I really wanted to say was, "Well, I get really annoyed chasing the kids around the football stadium too!" I guess I was hoping for a little reprieve. From Coach's perspective, I think he must have thought the experience would be different too.

In short, it was enlightening for both of us. I realized that we're each exactly where we're supposed to be during the football games. He really enjoys coaching and working with the kids each week and it gives him, what I now realize, is the much needed break he needs. I enjoy going to the games and kid-chasing comes with the territory (someday they'll appreciate it... right?). I kind of shudder to think what it'd be like if our roles were reversed (I would be the world's worst Football coach). After this weekend, I think we're both right where we're supposed to be.

The Losing Effect

Let's face it... losing really stinks! Being a winner is easy. You can bask in your glory, celebrate with the other coaches, and everyone's pretty happy.

It’s losing that’s hard. Not necessarily the losing part, but being a loser. No one likes to take that role. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for Coach and the others on the team. They put in hard work getting kids out on the field, practicing, & breaking down film and they’re paid off with a big, fat loss. The overflow effects at home aren’t good either.

Our girls after the first game

We lost our second varsity game in a row this past Friday and we have some tough competitors coming up in the next few weeks. We had so many injuries on the field that we had to start putting in our second string. After several turnovers and too many touchdowns by the other team, the score was pretty grim. It shed a whole new light on the phrase, “adding insult to injury”. Coach is an exceptionally poor loser (he’ll be mad that I’m confessing that fact to the general public). Don’t get me wrong. He shakes hands with the other team and puts on a happy face, congratulating the others on their win, but he really doesn’t like to lose. Three years ago, his beloved Lions were, to put it nicely, horrible. They were 0-16 on the season and bragged the only non-win season in NFL history. The next year was better, but not much. Each time the team would lose, Coach would stalk around the house in a surly mood, not really wanting to talk to anyone. He’d respond if you said something, but the permanent scowl was cemented on his face. To add salt to his loser’s wound, not only did his pro football team have a season that left something to be desired, the following spring his beloved UNC Tarheels basketball team had a less-than-stellar season. The previous year, they’d had a great season, ending as the NCAA tournament champions. They followed it up not the next year by not even making it into the tournament. Not a good sign for Coach as a die-hard fan and definitely not a good sign for our household. There was a lot of sulking and frowning that year.

Here's his happy face today

So now that it’s his own team, he’s a miserable mess. He stalked around the house in a pretty irritable mood yesterday and we couldn’t snap him out of it. Losing affects him really badly, and I didn’t know what to say to help him out of the fog. We tried to take his mind off of it. As our only full day as a family, I tried to keep us busy all day to keep his mind off of the previous night, but I could tell he was still thinking about it. What do you say to a coach when he’s on the losing end? Obviously I’m no expert, and if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to share! The only thing I can say is, for those of you who are having a better season than us, enjoy it!

Football Time

Yesterday was our first “Game”. Actually, it was technically a scrimmage, but despite the too-hot weather (I got sunburned on exactly half of my body) and the fact that it was on a Saturday afternoon instead of Friday night, it felt like the actual start of football season for me.

Coach spent a week practicing w/ the players, getting home later each night, he left early on Saturday so he could be there to get the field and the players ready for the game and he’ll do his ritual, weekly film work with the other coaches later this evening. There’s also been a strange absence of Coach on many recent Sunday afternoons as he frequents the basement to watch his favorite NFL team (the Lions… don’t laugh), and the only reason I know he’s still in the house is the occasional yell coming from the depths of the house.

To me, it finally feels like football season has begun and that means that our household (at least until early November) is officially on Football Time. This means that when Coach said (as he did this past Friday), “I should be home around 5:30.” I (ever so gullible) translated that to… well… him being home at 5:30. So I had dinner ready… at 5:45 (at this point, I thought he was just running a few minutes late). At 6:00, I finally texted him (something along the lines of, I thought you said 5:30!!!). What I should have thought (this is after all my 9^th season as a coach’s wife) was, Oh, okay… I’ll expect him home around 6:30. So he walked in close to 6:30 and I was (I thought, understandably)... fuming. I think there may even have been smoke coming from my ears. He had all these explanations for why he was late, “Well, this coach had to talk to that player… blah blah blah.” Well… I’ve heard every “explanation” in the playbook.

This same phenomenon with given times happens with many other events during the Season, including when he says he’ll be done with something (like film work), when he says he’ll be leaving (from the field or an away game), and countless other things. It’s because we’re on Football Time.

So what is a wife (who becomes increasingly irritated each time the wrong times are communicated) to do when her household runs on Football Time? Unfortunately I don’t have magical formula, or I wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place, but here is a formula for what I expect to happen with time frames this Season:

Time Coach gives me  +  1 hour  =  approximate time that Said Event will happen

So to save me all the headaches, this is what I’m going to try to do this Season. When Coach gives me a time for an Event (when he will be home, done, leaving, etc.), I will just add an hour to that time and if the Event happens before the projected time, according to above formula, it will be like he’s actually getting home (getting done, leaving) early! It’s not exactly genius (few things I come up with are), but at least it might save me a few frustrating minutes of waiting and maybe even prevent a few suppers from sitting on the table getting cold. At least it will save me some sanity during this Season.

How do you all handle your Coach's time misinformation?

Painting Lines is Actually... Fun!

Coach Painting up the lines

The other day my husband said, “I have to go up to the football field and paint some lines next week.” I was like, “WHAT?!? Don’t they pay someone to do that?” He informed me that, yes, they pay someone to paint to official lines and yard markers on the football field, but that he paints a grid on the football practice field every year to work with his boys on drills. Ok, I thought, it’s kind of coming back to me from last year. He does these lines every year, but this year he said, “Do you and the girls want to come up and help me?” Really? I think I’d rather spend 6 hours on a bus with 40 smelly football players after a tough game… with the windows up. But I reluctantly agreed. How bad could it be? He said it would only take an hour, tops (and when he says an hour, it usually takes at least two), and the girls and I weren’t doing anything anyway. 

So we went down there and he got out all his stuff: line painting gadget, tape measure, string, and a square to make sure the corners are straight (he’s a perfectionist about certain things). Then we started painting the lines. We made a 30x30 grid with boxes every 5 feet using the string to make sure it was straight and the tape measure to make sure it was the right length. 

Coach and Daughter, "A" helping w/ the lines

Like I said, I was pretty jaded. I had prepared myself for a good hour of boredom. But as we started painting, we actually had (gasp!) fun! I liked painting the lines! And the icing on the cake was that it actually ended up turning into some quality time spent together. The girls ran around and rode their bikes while we painted the grid and we got to spend an hour (yes, it actually only took one hour!) doing something together. Albeit, not exactly what I would imagine as a romantic date, but hey, I take what I can get sometimes! 

The moral of the story: Try doing something with your husband that involves his sport and you might actually have fun doing it. In the very least, you’ll get to spend some time with your husband that would otherwise be spent apart. And you’ll be killing two birds with one stone. It’s a win-win. 

Coach and Daughter, "L" helping out

P.S. I thought I'd just mention - although I've clearly geared this blog towards the WIVES of coaches, if you are the husband of a coach, this is for you too. And ANYONE else that feels like reading it. :)

The Life of a Coach’s Wife

As the wives of coaches, we are asked to do a lot. Actually… a lot might be a bit of an understatement. 

Although never “expected” to, we make it to every home game and as many away games as possible, even if we don’t like the sport in question. We buy and wear the required gear, even if the color and style is fashion-murder, and we even deck out our kids in the team’s colors (my poor daughters have been humiliated by many a stranger as they are referred to “cute little boys”). We load half of our house (blankets, diaper bags, sweatshirts, etc.) into and then back out of our SUVs each Friday (Thursday, Saturday) afternoon or evening and we sit in the stands (in my case, hard metal stands, often covered in cold frost or, better yet, wet, heavy snow). We drag ourselves and our children to the games and sit with those little angels through meltdowns (“I’m cooooold Mommy!”), 31 trips to the bathroom (usually we just “happen” to be sitting the furthest seat possible from the facilities), and 46 trips to the concessions stand (these are inevitably timed by my precious little gems to happen as soon as we get back from the bathroom). 

We also suffer through sleepless nights, our husbands on the road for overnight or late-night games. We smile through every pregame supper, postgame get-together, tailgate party and awards banquet, even if we feel like we’re going to keel over from exhaustion. I’ve even known wives who have invited over the entire O-line of the University Football team (you know who you are!) and fed them all a hot, home-cooked meal EVERY WEEK during the season, just to make sure each and every one of the 250+ pound guys got a good meal before game day. We memorize terminology and play names that we would, otherwise, not give a care in the world about. We hang up every team picture proudly in our dens and basements and often know, on a first name basis, each and every athlete in the photo, even though our husbands call them all by their last names. All while (for many of us) working a full-time job on top of being a full-time mom. And all of that is just during the Season. 

How do we do all of this? Well… because we’re tough as nails!

This is "Coach" and I at the Denver Broncos game against the Detroit Lions 2 years ago. He is an avid Lions fan!

Please know that I am NO expert on relationships or even on being a coach's wife (I'm actually still sort of a rookie in this department). I hope that this is a place where others can relate to what I'm going through and be a place where others can come to feel connected to at least one other person who knows what they're going through. And it's a place where I can get things off my chest, which is also a plus. I hope it helps at least a couple people. :)