Sportsmanship

My husband has been coaching for going on 11 years, and while he is still in the beginning part of his coaching career, some days it feels like he's been coaching forever. In those 11 years, I have seen him win big, lose big, scrape by, and narrowly miss that last touchdown. Even though I have, at times, had no idea what's going on (I'm getting better!), I love watching his players on the field. It makes me really proud when I see them do something great and I know that he had a part in that big play. I know a lot of time, commitment, film-watching, blood, sweat and tears goes into each and every down. It's very emotional, and it can't be easy to put in all that work and then walk away with a loss.

But in all of our 11 years, one thing I have been the most proud of is Coach's sportsmanship. He coaches with his whole heart, but he always coaches and lives his life with integrity. He said something to me after the Game the other night (a tough loss) that really stuck with me. "You have to coach with a certain assertiveness, but there's no room for disrespect. I try to just be nice. I think it goes a long way." I thought, after he said that, that he has always won with humility. He's not really a boastful person, and I feel like people respect him for that.

Unfortunately, not all coaches do win with humility. Fortunately, the coaches on our staff are not those people. Every single one of them sets a good example for their players, which is why I'm proud to watch Tiger football games. After the Game last week, I think Coach and his staff received a great opportunity for a teaching moment with their players on how to take a win humbly. Out of respect, I won't mention any specifics here, but Coach recently experienced a very poor display of sportsmanship when an opposing coach (who had just beaten our team) turnedand walked away instead of shaking my husband's hand in good sportsmanship. Coach was dumbfounded at first, but he handled it well. In the end, he is the bigger person, and that speaks louder than words to these young players; unfortunately, so do the actions of this other coach.

Coach has yet to win a game as a head coach (he's only one game in), but when he does taste victory, I know that he will shake the hands of everyone on the opposing team, look them in the eye, and with all sincerity tell them, "Good job." Because that is what good people do. It's what good coaches do. They set a good example for the young people on their teams and they set a standard for their coaching staff. I am proud of my husband every single day he steps on the gridiron, but I am never prouder than when he represents our little town and displays good Sportsmanship. Both good and bad displays of sportsmanship go such a long way, and people notice, either way. I know I do.

Commitment

I started this blog two years ago with the intent of writing in it to vent some of my frustrations about being the (sometimes single) wife of a coach. I kind of failed miserably... at the blogging part (hopefully not at the wife part - I think Coach could vouch for that). Here's the thing... I had no idea what being a Football Widow was all about. Two years ago when I started this blog, Coach was just an assistant, and I thought I knew what not having him around was like. This summer he was offered the job as the head coach of the team, and he accepted. I have a whole new respect now for what head coaches do. There is so much time involved that I had no idea about. My husband is literally running from the moment he wakes up (around 4:45 a.m.) until he goes to bed (around 10:30 or 11:00 p.m.). We have struggled with the time issue and I don't think we've quite got it down yet. The requirements of this new job have definitely thrown a curve ball at our family. 

How do you manage to keep the house clean & picked up, while getting the kids fed & put to bed at a decent hour, all while maintaining your sanity?

As the wife of a head high school coach, I cannot even begin to imagine the amout of time that college and professional coaches spend preparing for their game or games each week. I also cannot fathom the time that coaches of other sports, like basketball and soccer, spend. With football, there is one game to prepare for each week. Sometimes basketball and soccer teams are playing two or more games each week. As I watch Coach prepare for his game and practices each week, I am gaining so much respect for those who are coaching at higher levels or who are coaching sports that require a different time commitment. I also have a newfound respect for the wives (or husbands) of those people, as they become the Football (Basketball, Soccer) Widows from August until December or later. I have a hard time keeping it together through the beginning of November! I even have a friend who coaches college Basketball while his wife coaches college Softball. I do not know how they ever see each other. I have a lot of respect for how they manage their time.

So while I'm really an "amateur" in the whole Football Widow department, I want to continue writing down my thoughts anyway, for what they're worth. It helps keep me sane and, hopefully, will help me deal with this transition that I thought I was prepared for. There's so much power in having people around you that you can lean on (besides your spouse, who is also married to the Game). So I'm hoping that this will give me and others some of that much needed support. 

As always, I am open to comments and suggestions. 

Fantasy Life

In my mind, when I fell in love with a guy who loves sports, I never really thought about the implications and side effects. In my mind, I saw our perfect family spending long weekends and evenings together. Our house would be clean and our garden would be pristine. Our children would help us pick up and always be on their best behavior. We would always sit down to eat meals together. We would be like a spread in one of those magazines. What was I thinking! I guess I’ll blame it on blind love. What I imagined was my fantasy life.

 

A and L at a baseball game this summer

In reality, during the Season, my house is clean about half the time (and that is being generous!). I rarely see my husband on Monday or Friday evenings and the other 3 weekdays he arrives home late from yet another practice that ran long. Saturday and Sunday we plan to pick up and clean the house, but after we get done chasing the future running back and his two cheerleaders around, we are too tired to clean up the 3-kid tornado storm that went through. We eat about two meals together a week and usually only one of them is frozen pizza or chicken nuggets! As far as the magazine spread goes… maybe we could pose for the “before” picture…

Coach and T at the baseball game 

 This past week, Coach was gone every weeknight for some sports-related activity, besides being absent for practice. Late August welcomes not only the arrival of REGULAR football season, but the arrival of “Fantasy Football” season as well. Coach is on three Fantasy football leagues and he has to take time out for his “drafts” each year. I’ve seen a quote that is something like, “Fantasy football… like Dungeons and Dragons for jocks.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. If you even try to talk to those guys during their oh-so-important “drafts”, you might as well be talking to the water cooler for the response you get. He spends a couple hundred dollars to enter all the leagues, then him and his Dungeons-and-Dragons-esque jock friends spend the entire season “following” their players and managing their team, making trades and seeing who wins big each week. They get to escape their lives for a couple minutes each day (and a couple hours at the end of August for drafts) following their fantasy team.

So although Coach is probably gone long enough just for football games and practices, and puts in extra hours at home beyond what he does at the field, I think these fantasy leagues are important. He gets to build camaraderie with his fellow sports-enthusiast friends and coaches and escape our crazy life for a few minutes. Probably, if I put the kibosh on the fantasy game-playing, Coach would go crazy himself. Everyone needs an outlet, right? So next time he mentions having to “check on his league” or says, “I have to watch the Redskins game because I have four of their guys on my team”, I’ll just try to keep my snide remarks to myself and roll my eyes AFTER I turn around. 

And so it begins…

It’s here! … the much-anticipated off-season. Actually was here about 3 months ago, but I’ve been pretty busy since then. We have since welcomed a beautiful little boy into our family. If I thought Coach was crazy trying to get our daughters interested in football, I had a whole other thing coming when our son was born! Although, Coach has the daughters trained pretty well already; the other day I heard them arguing in their bedroom and the dialogue went something like this:

                L: “Go Broncos!”

                A: “Go Lions!”

                L: “I like the orange Broncos!”

                A: “I’m on dad’s team!”

Although football season has been over for high school for over two months, the same cannot be said for college and pro football… and my husband. To him, football season lasts six months. Half the year! He watches his favorite football teams and follows them closely, living vicariously through the players in his “fantasy leagues” (yes, that is PLURAL) and spending countless hours analyzing which players do what and making trades accordingly. Just when I thought I’d have my husband back… and now that football is (REALLY!) almost over, spring ball starts, along with the pro football draft. And then there’s basketball season, when he’s watching the Lions on one channel, he has another football game on the alternate channel and the UNC Tarheels on standby. So, in other words, it never ends.

Already a UNC Fan!

And if it’s not bad enough with just my husband, my wonderful father comes over, encouraging this disagreeable behavior with a six-pack and a smile. They spend hours on Sundays parked downstairs in front of our big-screen, watching the games. I love that they get to spend that time together and at least my husband folds laundry while they’re watching. I guess I should call myself lucky!

My dad (aka. "Bumpa") egging T on already!

 But here’s the real icing on the cake. A few weeks ago (my newborn son was about three weeks old at the time, and barely able to see 6 inches in front of his face) my husband comes up, grabs the football-fanatic-in-training and says, “We’re going downstairs to watch the game.” It was all I could do not to burst out laughing. “You know he doesn’t even know what’s going on, right?” I said. “He will someday!” was Coach’s response. And so it begins… someday I’m sure that I will be rolling my eyes as my husband, father AND son traipse downstairs to watch one of a million games!

T in the same Assistant Coach t-shirt his sisters owned

I wish that just once, when I turned on the TV or radio, there was NOT a sports program on. I (sadly) have the channel for each sports station memorized. But I guess, in the big scheme of things, I should count myself lucky. My dad gets to enjoy sports with the son he never had, my husband gets to spend quality time with my dad and he is pruning our son to be a sports fanatic, just like him so that someday they can enjoy the games together. I’m excited to see our son grow into sports fan, just like his dad. I have even found myself enjoying the occasional game this season! Just don’t tell my husband. J

Priorities

Being the wife of a coach is hard enough (sometimes I think they should add me to the payroll!). Top that with job #1: MOM, plus whatever you do outside of the home to earn money, and some nights you might feel like I do; like you work THREE full-time jobs at about 160 total working hours a week. My kids are 3 and 5 and we have another on the way in December. Sometimes I can’t help but think that they might feel a little neglected during Season with my busy life working full-time and Coach busy working full time along with practice, games and film.  We try to time most big things for off season, but some things (for example pregnancies and, later, birthdays) do not seem to care when the Season starts or ends. I have known couples who try to time their pregnancies for off season, but more often than not babies come whenever they dang well please, as our first born did.

She was due on Halloween, in the thick of Football season and, as if to prove a point, she came six weeks early, on a Tuesday in September. Games were on Saturday afternoons, with film work taking up almost the whole day on Sunday. As he gazed at his newborn daughter, my husband’s comment (always the coach) was, “At least she has good timing! Now I can still make it to the game on Saturday!” I wanted to strangle him right then and there. Here he had a brand new daughter, and one who would require tons of extra care on top of it, yet his first thought was about the Team and the upcoming game?

Proud Dad in front of the Hospital with Daughter "A"

That may have been the first time in our marriage that I felt that Football was his #1 priority. We’ve had endless debates (that’s what I’ll call them here!) about that very thing many times since then. He argues that he does it for our family, but it’s hard for me to see that through my clouded view, which consists of piling-up chores that are left undone or are postponed indefinitely during the Season). At times I’ve wondered how we’ve managed to stay married through eight football seasons. I think it’s because I’ve seen other couples where ½ consists of a coach who’ve been married 5x that long, and have managed to make it through all the bumps. Luckily for him and our marriage, our second daughter was born at full term in April… about as far away from football season as possible!

Coach and Daughter "L" - Halloween 2009

I know that each time Coach has to miss a birthday (there’ve been a couple) or other important event (he missed trick-or-treating a few years ago due to a playoff game), he’s just taking one for the team (pun, intended… I guess). Although it’s frustrating for me, trying to explain to our kids why Daddy’s not trick-or-treating with us this year, I can only imagine how hard it is for him to miss all those little moments. At times like this, I ask myself constantly: Why does he coach in the first place? Of course it’s because he loves working with the athletes and he loves the sport. But I try to remind myself of the real #1 reason that he coaches: to provide for us, his family. Every time he misses a dance recital or one of the many “firsts” our kids go through, he’s sacrificing for his family. If I can keep that in my mind, I know that every time he misses a birthday or other event (or we have to schedule it around the games!), he is doing it for us. That keeps me going with my three full-time jobs and makes me appreciate everything he does even more.

P.S. That being said… he hasn't missed any of his kids being born yet. Let’s just hope we’re 3 for 3!!

Perspectives

"A" and "L" before the Game

This past weekend, Coach and I got the rare opportunity to watch a football game together. I can't even remember the last time we watched a live-action football game together, but I think it was two years ago when we watched the Lions face off against Denver. This weekend, we took the girls up to our Alma Mater, where he played football and we both went to school, to watch the Homecoming football game. I was excited, because I was looking forward to having someone there to explain all of the stuff I never understand about what's going on down on the turf. And.... he was about to get a taste of what I do at his games, which is chase the girls up and down the bleachers, seeking them out each time they disappear in the hoard of people while my heart jumps into my throat. I was actually going to be able to watch the entire game (for once) while he chased the kids around.

In hindsight, I think he had a totally different idea in mind for what the day would be like. I think he was under the impression that he'd sit there, deep in thought as he dissected each play, reminiscing about his glory days down on that same field, as a player and a coach. He'd munch his popcorn and sip on Gatorade as the girls and his wife sat quietly next to him. I also realize, looking back, that we should have had a game plan of our own.

Playing "Tackle the Dad"

I thought the girls were pretty good at the game. They stayed pretty much where we were sitting, and instead of 20 trips to the bathroom/concessions, they averaged out at around 10. How unfair is that? And did I get to watch the game? Well... I tried. At times during the game, Coach was so busy watching what was going on that he didn't notice our 3-year-old pummeling the gentleman (who had the unfortunate luck of sitting in front of us) with her feet for the 23rd time or our 5-year old proclaiming loud enough for everyone within a 30-foot radius of us to hear, "I have to go to the bathroom... NOW!" (That comment was edited, by the way). He was also blissfully oblivious to the annoyed party to our right who had to keep getting up and moving so me and one or both kids could make our 9th trip up top, where the food and bathrooms were. I still chased kids and tried to dislodge my heart from my throat.

Hamming it up at the Game

To be fair, he did share kid-duty with me but he was getting so impatient with the girls that it sort of annoyed me. His comment somewhere around the end of the 2nd Quarter was, "I don't know how you do this!!! These girls are being so difficult!" And here I thought it was a good day. "Now you know what I'm doing at your games." I said back with a sweet smile, seething a little on the inside.  The girls and I really enjoy going each week to watch Coach and his team in action, but what I really wanted to say was, "Well, I get really annoyed chasing the kids around the football stadium too!" I guess I was hoping for a little reprieve. From Coach's perspective, I think he must have thought the experience would be different too.

In short, it was enlightening for both of us. I realized that we're each exactly where we're supposed to be during the football games. He really enjoys coaching and working with the kids each week and it gives him, what I now realize, is the much needed break he needs. I enjoy going to the games and kid-chasing comes with the territory (someday they'll appreciate it... right?). I kind of shudder to think what it'd be like if our roles were reversed (I would be the world's worst Football coach). After this weekend, I think we're both right where we're supposed to be.

The Losing Effect

Let's face it... losing really stinks! Being a winner is easy. You can bask in your glory, celebrate with the other coaches, and everyone's pretty happy.

It’s losing that’s hard. Not necessarily the losing part, but being a loser. No one likes to take that role. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for Coach and the others on the team. They put in hard work getting kids out on the field, practicing, & breaking down film and they’re paid off with a big, fat loss. The overflow effects at home aren’t good either.

Our girls after the first game

We lost our second varsity game in a row this past Friday and we have some tough competitors coming up in the next few weeks. We had so many injuries on the field that we had to start putting in our second string. After several turnovers and too many touchdowns by the other team, the score was pretty grim. It shed a whole new light on the phrase, “adding insult to injury”. Coach is an exceptionally poor loser (he’ll be mad that I’m confessing that fact to the general public). Don’t get me wrong. He shakes hands with the other team and puts on a happy face, congratulating the others on their win, but he really doesn’t like to lose. Three years ago, his beloved Lions were, to put it nicely, horrible. They were 0-16 on the season and bragged the only non-win season in NFL history. The next year was better, but not much. Each time the team would lose, Coach would stalk around the house in a surly mood, not really wanting to talk to anyone. He’d respond if you said something, but the permanent scowl was cemented on his face. To add salt to his loser’s wound, not only did his pro football team have a season that left something to be desired, the following spring his beloved UNC Tarheels basketball team had a less-than-stellar season. The previous year, they’d had a great season, ending as the NCAA tournament champions. They followed it up not the next year by not even making it into the tournament. Not a good sign for Coach as a die-hard fan and definitely not a good sign for our household. There was a lot of sulking and frowning that year.

Here's his happy face today

So now that it’s his own team, he’s a miserable mess. He stalked around the house in a pretty irritable mood yesterday and we couldn’t snap him out of it. Losing affects him really badly, and I didn’t know what to say to help him out of the fog. We tried to take his mind off of it. As our only full day as a family, I tried to keep us busy all day to keep his mind off of the previous night, but I could tell he was still thinking about it. What do you say to a coach when he’s on the losing end? Obviously I’m no expert, and if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to share! The only thing I can say is, for those of you who are having a better season than us, enjoy it!